hellshot | IC INBOX

she's a good liar. have to admit i'm impressed.

cards on the table, though. she was... something i figured would put some purpose in my life. i'd gathered so much information on her it seemed... right to get to know her, y'know? now i'm back at square one.

you know how fucking frustrating it is having every single thing you do blow up in your face? trying to fix it, getting somewhere for a moment and feeling good, just to have it fucking send you back all over again to where you started? knowing if you could just get someone else to run your life again, you wouldn't have to keep blaming yourself for everything being fucking horrible?

[There's a weirdly long pause between messages before he continues.]

this isn't your problem. you're gonna tell me you know exactly what it's like, right? and that i don't know what real suffering is. like the only thing you are is the reaper, like you didn't have a good life before you turned into that thing.

when the fuck are you going to realize i need your help, not your fucking criticism?

[Honestly, he's a bit amazed. He put all his cards into that table--a table he himself knew had a false bottom that would reveal his hand and ruin him in a second. Sombra wasn't attainable, not by anyone--she erased herself over and over again, until she was something almost metaphysical. It was like trying to catch a ripple on a lake. You reach out to grab it and it splits out into a thousand different ones.]

Not my place to say if you know what true suffering is or not. 
Everyone experiences life differently. Everyone suffers in their own way. Maybe I did have a decent life before I was turned into this thing. But all of that is gone now.

How am I supposed to help you ...


When I don't even know how to help myself?

helping yourself is a fucking oxymoron.

i've been trying to help myself this whole time and look where it got me. in the last seven months i went through three relationships, lost every friend i've made, lost the hobby i built in a fucking fire, almost lost my dog, and i've almost gotten myself killed a couple times. it's a record even for me.

i don't know how to get better. i don't even fucking know how to make people like me. fuck, i don't even know how to make myself happy. i keep... going after shit i think will help just to fucking ruin it because i've never had to fend for myself. i don't know how to make things work without just taking what i want.

you're smarter than me, though. you know how to... do shit. take care of yourself. take care of others. i respect you enough to keep trying to get your approval even after all the fucking mud you drag me through for it, right?

[It's Dodger's turn to wait for a bit before a response comes from Reaper.]

 If you put half of the effort into making others like you that you do with me, I wonder if you realise you might actually get somewhere with this shitty place.

I take care of myself because I've only ever had myself to rely on.
I take care of others because I used to be a military leader in charge of thousands. When I see weak people, I want to kick them into shape.
When I see you...

I see a man with too much power, throwing it around because he's lost. 

Do you know what the first rule I would infer on my troops in Blackwatch was?

no. go ahead, tell me.

[He's not even going to argue that first part. He doesn't agree, but it isn't worth it to bite when he's finally getting something from Reaper.]

"No one left behind."

funny, i'm used to be opposite. man that raised me used to say 'if you can't keep up, it's no one's responsibility to help you'.

...so what exactly does that mean, in this context?

 Big words said by big men who are used to getting things their way.
That's the thing about big men.
They usually crumble without their support system.
Everyone relies on someone.
Everyone needs someone to fall back on when things don't go according to plan.

In this context...

If you're so sick and tired of being left behind and losing things, find a way to make yourself someone who isn't left behind.
You need help? Make it apparent that you need it, instead of making others think you thrive on being alone and needing nobody.

[There's another long pause before he replies.]

i guess it worked here, huh. asking for help.

how exactly do i go about... looking for help? so far i've only dealt with people that are smart enough to see through the ruse.

[...

Give him a minute to stare at that.
Because he's having trouble believing that Dodger actually just asked for help. Blatantly.

After a moment though, he will reply. There's at least that.]

 That depends on you.
Are you willing to actually try to follow through with asking for help, or are you going to get into it only to revert back to your old habits a few months later?

I've dealt with plenty of people who were thrown into my sect. Lawless, hopeless thugs off the streets with no direction and no purpose.

Difference between those who stuck with me and the ones who didn't ... was the ability to want to change and become something different.
Didn't matter that what we did wasn't 'Good'.

Being Good and having a drive and a Purpose are mutually exclusive.

[And meanwhile, Dodger is quietly marveling at the fact that 'groveling' actually seems to work. Huh. Benny was wrong about more things than he'd originally thought.]

someone else put me on a kick of actually listening to you when you tell me shit. even if i think it's stupid.
took me a while, but i figure i'm hitting my stride with it now.

do you think it's stupid to want someone else taking advantage of me?
y'know, just... dedicating myself to doing what someone else wants me to.

[Weird to look back on your old life to see what parts were fucked up, isn't it]

Someone else, eh? Makes me wonder exactly who it is you're talking about.

[He says, almost certain he KNOWS who you're talking about. Sigh.]

I do think it's stupid. And it's a little sad.
You want someone else to take advantage of you because it's easier to have someone else dictate your life.

It's scarier living for yourself.
Knew a brat who was the same way. 

Came under my wing expecting me to bark orders constantly and tell him when to eat, sleep, breathe, and shit.

Life's not like that.
Shouldn't ever be.

he's gone now, so it doesn't matter who it was.

[He's silent for a few minutes before replying.]

for a few to be immortal, many must die.

i lived my life up until this point on those words. figuring my life didn't mean anything but at least i could change the world. I trusted my boss to make a world that was better for everyone else.

i don't know if that was actually ever his plan. it's not my problem. he said he was changing the world and fixing it up, and that's all i needed. he gave me a point in living and getting up in the morning. i was willing to die just to help him reach immortality.

all i know now is that i only ever function right when i'm living for someone else. every time i get left to my own devices i start losing my fucking mind. but... being with tenshouin made me think maybe it wasn't about getting kicked around by someone, it was just. knowing there was someone that'd care if i died. even if me being dead was just inconvenient for them.

i know this whole time i've been trying to... force you to use me. and trust me, i knew it wouldn't work pretty early on, i just didn't know what else to do.

[There's a very long pause here, full of erasing and rewriting until he knows exactly what he wants to say.]

i've been infatuated from the moment i met you. but it's not just my sick mind making your rotten face seem attractive. you've got a stronger heart than me. you've gotten shut off from everything you ever had going for you but you just kept going while i was curled up feeling sorry for myself.

i can try holding back on flirting with you, if that's what it takes, but i want to be... friends. at least. i need someone to help me through this, and i lost eichi and cain... you're all i've got now.

 Boss of yours never learnt something, by the sounds of it.
That being that Immortality isn't cracked up to what it's made to be.

[And while Reaper still fully expects himself to be in a position where Moira's fucked up nanotechnology could fail at any time--it's given him a taste of what it's like to defy death. And there's nothing 'good' about it.

He takes a long moment to read the rest of this message, however, and it really puts him in a position he hates being in. Not of being in charge of someone or being asked to preform a duty or job.
He was being asked to care. Even on a small scale, the word 'friend' still freaked him out, even now. Especially when the person asking is someone as difficult as Dodger is.]

 I'll cut you a deal. 
You accept these terms, and I'll see what I can do about getting you to figure out how to screw your head back on straight.
There are a couple people on this shitty planet I don't want to deal with you hurting or acting out against. You keep your nose clean around them, and I'll consider being...




... nicer to you.

[Close enough, right.]

not much of a deal is it.

but sure. give me a list of people that are off limits, and i'll be sure nothing happens to them. even actively keep them safe if you want.

[Another small break between his messages.]

you wanna get dinner with me? you don't have to eat. i just figure... i used to get dinner with cain, it'd be nice to have some company again.

It isn't much of a deal if you don't take it.

[After all, part of him expects Dodger to refuse--or agree, only to turn around and break it later.
Still, once he agrees, Reaper will at least follow through.]

 Shimada. The Matsuno brats. Sombra. 
The list is short, so I'm sure you can manage this much.

[There isn't many people he actually gives a far damn about to add them to the list. Not yet, at least.
For that last bit, he rolls his eyes. He knew Cain, too. Thought well enough of the guy, too. But accepting something like dinner...

He rolls his eyes.]

 I don't eat in public. For reasons that I'm sure you can figure out. 
But if you want to have company with someone to just sit and eat, I'll think about it.
I can cook better than most of the shitty restaurants out in the city, anyway.

you can cook?
....do you think you could teach me?

[That's actually got Dodger pretty damn excited. Cain had been teaching him to cook a little bit, and he's still absolutely horrible at it... but learning from Reaper sounds like many good things all packed into one package.]

and... yeah. shimada, matsunos and sombra. got it.

You have done so much in your life.. not just because of your age, but because of what you are passionate about!
_{[ wait, did he even really know how old Reaper was? Anyway.. ]}

You will find it.. i believe in you. You will find somebody who likes fighting, gunfights and tests of strengths as much as you! There is nothing wrong with having friends. I think that is what is the sweetness in my life.
_{[ Since, you know, he doesn't have a girlfriend or anyone special like that. ]}

[A weird thing to ask. Aren't you a grown man? Don't you know how to...

He shakes his head. Right, stray dog. Of course he wasn't taught basic skills like that.]

 Depends.

You capable of sitting still and being taught anything?

can't get a reference, everyone that's seen it happen is gone.

but yeah, i can handle that. sombra's even seen me try following a recipe.

[It was horrible. He needs so much help.]

 Your choice of words is telling.

I'll keep my expectations low.

cain taught me a little before he disappeared, that's all i know.
last 25 years i've just been eating out of dumpsters and fast food joints. which are... about the same thing.

[...You really are a stray dog, what the fuck Dodger.]

What baffles me the most about you is the fact that you're not dead.

If your stupid decisions haven't killed you, it's a wonder food poisoning hasn't finished you off.

doesn't matter how i survived, the important thing is that i did.
for whatever my life is worth.

i've got a set life span anyway, so trust me. you don't have to worry about me sticking around forever.

[How dare you mention his age, he's still spry and capable, god damn you.]

...

Is that why you seem so dead set on making friends with everyone around you?

[Because in his usual bitter, grumpy way, he's going to avoid saying he has any friends. Because as it stands, he could name a few if forced.]

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that gag tag i s2g