i've been trying to help myself this whole time and look where it got me. in the last seven months i went through three relationships, lost every friend i've made, lost the hobby i built in a fucking fire, almost lost my dog, and i've almost gotten myself killed a couple times. it's a record even for me.
i don't know how to get better. i don't even fucking know how to make people like me. fuck, i don't even know how to make myself happy. i keep... going after shit i think will help just to fucking ruin it because i've never had to fend for myself. i don't know how to make things work without just taking what i want.
you're smarter than me, though. you know how to... do shit. take care of yourself. take care of others. i respect you enough to keep trying to get your approval even after all the fucking mud you drag me through for it, right?
[It's Dodger's turn to wait for a bit before a response comes from Reaper.]
If you put half of the effort into making others like you that you do with me, I wonder if you realise you might actually get somewhere with this shitty place.
I take care of myself because I've only ever had myself to rely on. I take care of others because I used to be a military leader in charge of thousands. When I see weak people, I want to kick them into shape. When I see you...
I see a man with too much power, throwing it around because he's lost.
Do you know what the first rule I would infer on my troops in Blackwatch was?
Big words said by big men who are used to getting things their way. That's the thing about big men. They usually crumble without their support system. Everyone relies on someone. Everyone needs someone to fall back on when things don't go according to plan.
In this context...
If you're so sick and tired of being left behind and losing things, find a way to make yourself someone who isn't left behind. You need help? Make it apparent that you need it, instead of making others think you thrive on being alone and needing nobody.
Give him a minute to stare at that. Because he's having trouble believing that Dodger actually just asked for help. Blatantly.
After a moment though, he will reply. There's at least that.]
That depends on you. Are you willing to actually try to follow through with asking for help, or are you going to get into it only to revert back to your old habits a few months later?
I've dealt with plenty of people who were thrown into my sect. Lawless, hopeless thugs off the streets with no direction and no purpose.
Difference between those who stuck with me and the ones who didn't ... was the ability to want to change and become something different. Didn't matter that what we did wasn't 'Good'.
Being Good and having a drive and a Purpose are mutually exclusive.
[And meanwhile, Dodger is quietly marveling at the fact that 'groveling' actually seems to work. Huh. Benny was wrong about more things than he'd originally thought.]
someone else put me on a kick of actually listening to you when you tell me shit. even if i think it's stupid. took me a while, but i figure i'm hitting my stride with it now.
do you think it's stupid to want someone else taking advantage of me? y'know, just... dedicating myself to doing what someone else wants me to.
[Weird to look back on your old life to see what parts were fucked up, isn't it]
Someone else, eh? Makes me wonder exactly who it is you're talking about.
[He says, almost certain he KNOWS who you're talking about. Sigh.]
I do think it's stupid. And it's a little sad. You want someone else to take advantage of you because it's easier to have someone else dictate your life.
It's scarier living for yourself. Knew a brat who was the same way.
Came under my wing expecting me to bark orders constantly and tell him when to eat, sleep, breathe, and shit.
i lived my life up until this point on those words. figuring my life didn't mean anything but at least i could change the world. I trusted my boss to make a world that was better for everyone else.
i don't know if that was actually ever his plan. it's not my problem. he said he was changing the world and fixing it up, and that's all i needed. he gave me a point in living and getting up in the morning. i was willing to die just to help him reach immortality.
all i know now is that i only ever function right when i'm living for someone else. every time i get left to my own devices i start losing my fucking mind. but... being with tenshouin made me think maybe it wasn't about getting kicked around by someone, it was just. knowing there was someone that'd care if i died. even if me being dead was just inconvenient for them.
i know this whole time i've been trying to... force you to use me. and trust me, i knew it wouldn't work pretty early on, i just didn't know what else to do.
[There's a very long pause here, full of erasing and rewriting until he knows exactly what he wants to say.]
i've been infatuated from the moment i met you. but it's not just my sick mind making your rotten face seem attractive. you've got a stronger heart than me. you've gotten shut off from everything you ever had going for you but you just kept going while i was curled up feeling sorry for myself.
i can try holding back on flirting with you, if that's what it takes, but i want to be... friends. at least. i need someone to help me through this, and i lost eichi and cain... you're all i've got now.
Boss of yours never learnt something, by the sounds of it. That being that Immortality isn't cracked up to what it's made to be.
[And while Reaper still fully expects himself to be in a position where Moira's fucked up nanotechnology could fail at any time--it's given him a taste of what it's like to defy death. And there's nothing 'good' about it.
He takes a long moment to read the rest of this message, however, and it really puts him in a position he hates being in. Not of being in charge of someone or being asked to preform a duty or job. He was being asked to care. Even on a small scale, the word 'friend' still freaked him out, even now. Especially when the person asking is someone as difficult as Dodger is.]
I'll cut you a deal. You accept these terms, and I'll see what I can do about getting you to figure out how to screw your head back on straight. There are a couple people on this shitty planet I don't want to deal with you hurting or acting out against. You keep your nose clean around them, and I'll consider being...
[After all, part of him expects Dodger to refuse--or agree, only to turn around and break it later. Still, once he agrees, Reaper will at least follow through.]
Shimada. The Matsuno brats. Sombra. The list is short, so I'm sure you can manage this much.
[There isn't many people he actually gives a far damn about to add them to the list. Not yet, at least. For that last bit, he rolls his eyes. He knew Cain, too. Thought well enough of the guy, too. But accepting something like dinner...
He rolls his eyes.]
I don't eat in public. For reasons that I'm sure you can figure out. But if you want to have company with someone to just sit and eat, I'll think about it. I can cook better than most of the shitty restaurants out in the city, anyway.
you can cook? ....do you think you could teach me?
[That's actually got Dodger pretty damn excited. Cain had been teaching him to cook a little bit, and he's still absolutely horrible at it... but learning from Reaper sounds like many good things all packed into one package.]
and... yeah. shimada, matsunos and sombra. got it.
cain taught me a little before he disappeared, that's all i know. last 25 years i've just been eating out of dumpsters and fast food joints. which are... about the same thing.
i bet you'll think this is stupid. but i'm going to kill myself if i turn 30. i'm not interested in living longer than that; if i can't go out in a blaze of glory i'll just toss myself off the highest building i can find.
anyway. dinner. wanna do it in the residential building? i got no gas or heating in my place anyway.
[And Eichi's place is off-limits for anything but sitting there and moping.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
i've been trying to help myself this whole time and look where it got me. in the last seven months i went through three relationships, lost every friend i've made, lost the hobby i built in a fucking fire, almost lost my dog, and i've almost gotten myself killed a couple times. it's a record even for me.
i don't know how to get better. i don't even fucking know how to make people like me. fuck, i don't even know how to make myself happy. i keep... going after shit i think will help just to fucking ruin it because i've never had to fend for myself. i don't know how to make things work without just taking what i want.
you're smarter than me, though. you know how to... do shit. take care of yourself. take care of others. i respect you enough to keep trying to get your approval even after all the fucking mud you drag me through for it, right?
no subject
If you put half of the effort into making others like you that you do with me, I wonder if you realise you might actually get somewhere with this shitty place.
I take care of myself because I've only ever had myself to rely on.
I take care of others because I used to be a military leader in charge of thousands. When I see weak people, I want to kick them into shape.
When I see you...
I see a man with too much power, throwing it around because he's lost.
Do you know what the first rule I would infer on my troops in Blackwatch was?
no subject
[He's not even going to argue that first part. He doesn't agree, but it isn't worth it to bite when he's finally getting something from Reaper.]
no subject
"No one left behind."no subject
...so what exactly does that mean, in this context?
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Big words said by big men who are used to getting things their way.
That's the thing about big men.
They usually crumble without their support system.
Everyone relies on someone.
Everyone needs someone to fall back on when things don't go according to plan.
In this context...
If you're so sick and tired of being left behind and losing things, find a way to make yourself someone who isn't left behind.
You need help? Make it apparent that you need it, instead of making others think you thrive on being alone and needing nobody.
no subject
i guess it worked here, huh. asking for help.
how exactly do i go about... looking for help? so far i've only dealt with people that are smart enough to see through the ruse.
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Give him a minute to stare at that.
Because he's having trouble believing that Dodger actually just asked for help. Blatantly.
After a moment though, he will reply. There's at least that.]
That depends on you.
Are you willing to actually try to follow through with asking for help, or are you going to get into it only to revert back to your old habits a few months later?
I've dealt with plenty of people who were thrown into my sect. Lawless, hopeless thugs off the streets with no direction and no purpose.
Difference between those who stuck with me and the ones who didn't ... was the ability to want to change and become something different.
Didn't matter that what we did wasn't 'Good'.
Being Good and having a drive and a Purpose are mutually exclusive.
no subject
someone else put me on a kick of actually listening to you when you tell me shit. even if i think it's stupid.
took me a while, but i figure i'm hitting my stride with it now.
do you think it's stupid to want someone else taking advantage of me?
y'know, just... dedicating myself to doing what someone else wants me to.
no subject
Someone else, eh? Makes me wonder exactly who it is you're talking about.[He says, almost certain he KNOWS who you're talking about. Sigh.]
I do think it's stupid. And it's a little sad.
You want someone else to take advantage of you because it's easier to have someone else dictate your life.
It's scarier living for yourself.
Knew a brat who was the same way.
Came under my wing expecting me to bark orders constantly and tell him when to eat, sleep, breathe, and shit.
Life's not like that.
Shouldn't ever be.
no subject
[He's silent for a few minutes before replying.]
for a few to be immortal, many must die.
i lived my life up until this point on those words. figuring my life didn't mean anything but at least i could change the world. I trusted my boss to make a world that was better for everyone else.
i don't know if that was actually ever his plan. it's not my problem. he said he was changing the world and fixing it up, and that's all i needed. he gave me a point in living and getting up in the morning. i was willing to die just to help him reach immortality.
all i know now is that i only ever function right when i'm living for someone else. every time i get left to my own devices i start losing my fucking mind. but... being with tenshouin made me think maybe it wasn't about getting kicked around by someone, it was just. knowing there was someone that'd care if i died. even if me being dead was just inconvenient for them.
i know this whole time i've been trying to... force you to use me. and trust me, i knew it wouldn't work pretty early on, i just didn't know what else to do.
[There's a very long pause here, full of erasing and rewriting until he knows exactly what he wants to say.]
i've been infatuated from the moment i met you. but it's not just my sick mind making your rotten face seem attractive. you've got a stronger heart than me. you've gotten shut off from everything you ever had going for you but you just kept going while i was curled up feeling sorry for myself.
i can try holding back on flirting with you, if that's what it takes, but i want to be... friends. at least. i need someone to help me through this, and i lost eichi and cain... you're all i've got now.
no subject
Boss of yours never learnt something, by the sounds of it.That being that Immortality isn't cracked up to what it's made to be.
[And while Reaper still fully expects himself to be in a position where Moira's fucked up nanotechnology could fail at any time--it's given him a taste of what it's like to defy death. And there's nothing 'good' about it.
He takes a long moment to read the rest of this message, however, and it really puts him in a position he hates being in. Not of being in charge of someone or being asked to preform a duty or job.
He was being asked to care. Even on a small scale, the word 'friend' still freaked him out, even now. Especially when the person asking is someone as difficult as Dodger is.]
I'll cut you a deal.
You accept these terms, and I'll see what I can do about getting you to figure out how to screw your head back on straight.
There are a couple people on this shitty planet I don't want to deal with you hurting or acting out against. You keep your nose clean around them, and I'll consider being...
... nicer to you.
[Close enough, right.]
no subject
but sure. give me a list of people that are off limits, and i'll be sure nothing happens to them. even actively keep them safe if you want.
[Another small break between his messages.]
you wanna get dinner with me? you don't have to eat. i just figure... i used to get dinner with cain, it'd be nice to have some company again.
no subject
It isn't much of a deal if you don't take it.[After all, part of him expects Dodger to refuse--or agree, only to turn around and break it later.
Still, once he agrees, Reaper will at least follow through.]
Shimada. The Matsuno brats. Sombra.The list is short, so I'm sure you can manage this much.
[There isn't many people he actually gives a far damn about to add them to the list. Not yet, at least.
For that last bit, he rolls his eyes. He knew Cain, too. Thought well enough of the guy, too. But accepting something like dinner...
He rolls his eyes.]
I don't eat in public. For reasons that I'm sure you can figure out.But if you want to have company with someone to just sit and eat, I'll think about it.
I can cook better than most of the shitty restaurants out in the city, anyway.
no subject
....do you think you could teach me?
[That's actually got Dodger pretty damn excited. Cain had been teaching him to cook a little bit, and he's still absolutely horrible at it... but learning from Reaper sounds like many good things all packed into one package.]
and... yeah. shimada, matsunos and sombra. got it.
no subject
He shakes his head. Right, stray dog. Of course he wasn't taught basic skills like that.]
Depends.
You capable of sitting still and being taught anything?
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but yeah, i can handle that. sombra's even seen me try following a recipe.
[It was horrible. He needs so much help.]
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Your choice of words is telling.
I'll keep my expectations low.
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last 25 years i've just been eating out of dumpsters and fast food joints. which are... about the same thing.
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What baffles me the most about you is the fact that you're not dead.
If your stupid decisions haven't killed you, it's a wonder food poisoning hasn't finished you off.
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for whatever my life is worth.
i've got a set life span anyway, so trust me. you don't have to worry about me sticking around forever.
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Everyone's got a set life span.
Just depends on what ways you can cheat the system until Death really does come for you.
Everything dies.
Just learnt in my time being actually alive...
It matters what you do while you're still breathing.
Having regrets after shit's done with isn't worth it.
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but i'm going to kill myself if i turn 30.
i'm not interested in living longer than that; if i can't go out in a blaze of glory i'll just toss myself off the highest building i can find.
anyway. dinner. wanna do it in the residential building? i got no gas or heating in my place anyway.
[And Eichi's place is off-limits for anything but sitting there and moping.]
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I do think it's stupid. It's a fucking waste and I could spend an hour telling you why.
Residential works. Most of my roommates avoid me, save for Sombra and Thor. Should be mostly empty during midday.
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no one else has given me any good reason, but i figure you've made good points before on why i'm a fucking idiot.
[Also, calling his death a waste makes him feel nice.]
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